First of all, congratulations on becoming President. That's supremely kewl. I didn't vote for you, but hey, that's why we have elections here in the US of A. Sometimes you lose. I mean, the Dolphins lost to the Ravens, and I'm not bitter about that at all. At least not when the Prozac is working, anyway.
In any case, what I want to call your attention to is a real problem we have in Chicago. No, not that one, the other one. I'm referring of course, to Anime Central's resident queen, Excel Excel.
See, Excel is a wonderful, decent person, but ever since she came back from your inauguration, she's been acting strange. More so than usual. I mean, we expect a certain amount of insanity here, but this is getting out of hand. I think she's drunk with power. I mean Saddam Hussein style drunk with power, not Blago style drunk with power.
She's got us erecting statues of her, and because she wants her breasts to be like Naga, the statues are inherently unstable. Since I'm pretty certain you're not an otaku (you ordered a hamburger for your first meal on Air Force One, and didn't demand pocky too), allow me to explain. Transplant the Guns of Navarone onto your wife's chest, and you would have Naga. See what I mean? That's just crazy.
Anyone who opposes her Robespierre-like reign of terror is subjected to working in the potato mines, i.e. McDonald's. While this could end up working well as part of your New Deal thingy you're working on to put America back to work, it's not like she pays us anything for it. I think that's against the 14th Amendment. We fought a war over that sort of thing! I'd fire on Excel's Fort Sumter, but not only does that sound somewhat wrong and dirty, it would probably mean opening fire on the Hyatt, and it's such a nice hotel.
I'm not asking for TARP money or anything, though I wouldn't mind a few mil here and there if you've just got it lying around. All I want is for you to have a talk with Excel. She'll listen to you. I mean, I'm pretty sure she makes virgin sacrifices to your picture once a week, and twice on weekends. And it's not like I won't help you out if things get rough. You need a babysitter for the kids, give me a call, send up Air Force Two, and I'll be there for ya. We'd have a great time. Milk, cookies, and watching
Anyway, thanks for your time, Mr. President. I know you're busy with running the country and all, but really, do you want a full-scale otaku geekfight in the streets of Chicago? What would France say?
If you're not busy in May, we have this little convention thing you should stop by and see. Just tell 'em Gendo sent you. Oh, and bring some Secret Service guys along too. We've got this real problem with lines here.
Ben Da Mad Irishman