[mendokuse]

Hey there! Haven't been on for a very long time, but that's a post for another thread.

My brother broke up with his long time girlfriend and quite amicably as far as break-ups go, but the question I pose for you:
"Is it alright to be friends with your brother's ex?" [You can reword the question to be your own ex, a sibling's ex, etc.]

My girlfriend in particular is very distraught, as over the years we've all sort of become like family. The idea of not seeing her so close to the holidays is disheartening to say the least. We're helping her move out in about 2 weeks so I guess there's time to sort these questions out before we say our goodbyes.

A secondary question to my situation - I want to make a copy of a Medieval Times portrait of the four of us from this year, is that legal?
I know that you need the express permission from the photographer if it is a professional due to copyright. Would it be considered 'professional' even if it's the usual theme park style "Say Cheese!" and pick up the photo at the end of the show?

*For those who must know, one of them started graduate school and the other got a job somewhere else in the state. Funny where life leads us, huh?

[Keiichi-chan]

it depends almost completely on the nature of the relationship, the length of the relationship,
how and why you broke up, etc.

[Tiamat97]

friends with the siblings ex is fine by me, im friends with a lot of my brothers ex's and i dont find a problem with it since i have no plans whatsoever to get with them

[The Fujoshi]

It depends on what relationship the ex is.

If it's your brother/sister/friend/etc. ask them first; don't go behind their backs. Be up front. "I want to be friends with your ex, is that ok?" This way you can avoid drama and confusion.

After that make sure you don't date them. Too much confusion and drama and there are other people out there without baggage. Some people still have emotional attachments to ex's so the last thing you need is that you or the ex develop romantic interest and your sister/brother/best friend knows about it or finds out. Gets worse if the other person wants to hook up back with said ex or ex was just using you as a "rebound." And the sister/brother/best friends ALWAYS finds out.

People can hold grudges for years too, so don't think "Oh they will get over it if I date the ex."

[Ohki]

Depends on the situation, but in your case it seems like it should be fine. I've actually maintained friendships with my own exes, including one whose behavior as my girlfriend caused pretty serious damage to my self esteem. So in a situation with an amicable breakup like that, I can't see any problem in maintaining a friendship with the girl. Honestly, the only time it'd really be bad form to maintain a friendship with someone you're close to's ex is if s/he did something seriously bad in the relationship, such as stealing from her/his SO, abusing him/her, etc. Even if the grounds for breakup was cheating, I still think it'd be okay to keep a friendship even then if you wanted to.

Honestly, I completely disagree with you, Fujoshi. Who you date should always come down to how you feel about someone and if the someone you want to be with wants to be with you, too. Obviously, you'll have to pose to yourself the "is it worth it?" question, but it's not a blanket rule imho. For instance, say your brother (or friend or what have you) has a girlfriend that he ends up breaking up with because they mutually agree they're better off as friends. If that girl ends up falling for you and vice versa, what's wrong with dating her? Nothing. It may be awkward for your brother (friend, whatever), but if he's a mature adult he'll be able to handle it. Now, if it was a messy breakup in which the girl was in the wrong, why would you even want to date her, or even just be friends with her anyway?

[sentinel28a]

I think it's a good idea to ask. Not only do you possibly avoid/soothe some ruffled feathers, you also might find out some things about the person you intend to date you didn't know. This is a judgement call (don't trust the ex when the breakup was bad), but forewarned is forearmed.

This happened to me once. I asked a friend of a girl I really wanted to date in college--a Chinese exchange student--if it was okay to ask her out. Social mores and so on. Good thing I did: turned out she was married. Her husband was back in China and was much older than she was. She had never mentioned him (I suspect it was an arranged marriage), but believe me, I did a radical 180. We stayed friends, but it never went beyond that.

Ben Da Mad Irishman
"Never rub another man's rhubarb"

[XenoBlade]

Ohki, on 23 October 2012 - 12:14 PM, said:

Depends on the situation, but in your case it seems like it should be fine. I've actually maintained friendships with my own exes, including one whose behavior as my girlfriend caused pretty serious damage to my self esteem. So in a situation with an amicable breakup like that, I can't see any problem in maintaining a friendship with the girl. Honestly, the only time it'd really be bad form to maintain a friendship with someone you're close to's ex is if s/he did something seriously bad in the relationship, such as stealing from her/his SO, abusing him/her, etc. Even if the grounds for breakup was cheating, I still think it'd be okay to keep a friendship even then if you wanted to.

Honestly, I completely disagree with you, Fujoshi. Who you date should always come down to how you feel about someone and if the someone you want to be with wants to be with you, too. Obviously, you'll have to pose to yourself the "is it worth it?" question, but it's not a blanket rule imho. For instance, say your brother (or friend or what have you) has a girlfriend that he ends up breaking up with because they mutually agree they're better off as friends. If that girl ends up falling for you and vice versa, what's wrong with dating her? Nothing. It may be awkward for your brother (friend, whatever), but if he's a mature adult he'll be able to handle it. Now, if it was a messy breakup in which the girl was in the wrong, why would you even want to date her, or even just be friends with her anyway?

To previous question, I say it depends. In this case, it might be fine. if it was a like family thing, itll be a shame to lose it. Tho id consult with your brother.

And Ohki, I disagree with you. Its kinda a stab in the back to go for someone who broke up with a close friend or relative. If it was short, than I can potentially see it (still a slightly a scumbag move tho), but if it went on for a bit, and rather it ended good or bad is kind of a slap to the face. "they are an adult, they can handle it" is kinda an excuse to feel less guilty about the situation. The only way to go about it is to talk to that friend. If they are cool, then it's cool. If not....move on to another person.

I know guys generally have an unspoken rule to avoid girls who have been dated or liked. (like my friends. We do not try to go out with others exes, and we avoid girls that others like )

Dunno bout the ladies, but I know guys tend to have that rule.

[Keiichi-chan]

as a rule of thumb, it's a bad idea to ask for relationship advice on internet forums, but i'll indulge this, anyway.
honestly, whether it's a douche move also depends on the situation: how much do you like the ex, how long were they
dating your friend, does your friend still care about their ex, why do they still care about their ex, etc.


there is no catch-all rule, i think. some people are possessive, even if they only dated someone for a week or two, and
if you have strong feelings for that person, i agree, you should just go for it, regardless; they will eventually
get over it, if you're good friends. it's not back-stabbing as long as you aren't sneaking around about it, and permission
isn't always required. if you like someone's ex, and you see a future with them (because it's stupid to risk a friendship over
something casual), just warn your friend that you're going to make a move and make one.

This post has been edited by Keiichi-chan: 23 October 2012 - 11:26 PM

[Dark Stranger]

Depends. But as a safe rule, just aviod them at all costs.

[rondo]

Been friends with my ex and brother for quite some time. We really don't put too much weight on anything of the past.

[Prayer Police]

Make sure you are on good terms or else your current significant-other will have to defeat 7 of them to officially date you.
If that's the case, he/she must be totally in lesbiANs with you.

This post has been edited by Prayer Police: 24 October 2012 - 03:52 PM

[The Fujoshi]

Ohki, on 23 October 2012 - 12:14 PM, said:

Honestly, I completely disagree with you, Fujoshi. Who you date should always come down to how you feel about someone and if the someone you want to be with wants to be with you, too. Obviously, you'll have to pose to yourself the "is it worth it?" question, but it's not a blanket rule imho. For instance, say your brother (or friend or what have you) has a girlfriend that he ends up breaking up with because they mutually agree they're better off as friends. If that girl ends up falling for you and vice versa, what's wrong with dating her? Nothing. It may be awkward for your brother (friend, whatever), but if he's a mature adult he'll be able to handle it. Now, if it was a messy breakup in which the girl was in the wrong, why would you even want to date her, or even just be friends with her anyway?

If it's a messy breakup and you both end up falling for each other, chances are he/she might take you for a rebounding or just want sex. If she/he is real/honest with their feelings and it wasn't a messy break up, it's going to take time for he/she to show it. People lie really easy, especially men if it's free nookie. So it's better to get to know them, understand them, and talk to your sibling/brother/Mother(!)/etc. before you start getting serious (and make sure you're not a rebound.) Years maybe; if they really care about you they can wait that long without having sex.

It happened before with me as well as two of my family members; my family member still had a grudge because his cousin dated his ex and it's been over 7 years (mind you they are dead now.)

I broke up with a friend who I knew because I dated her ex. I didn't know they dated in the past, found out after I was involved with said man, and it was awkward and she started to hate me because she hated him. Found out about eight years later that he was still trying to contact his ex gf; mind you he said he 'loved me,' and even proposed to me.

Not saying it's impossible or all of these situations happen, just that you have to think "do you want drama or no drama?" How much do you want to give up because of "maybe that soulmate?" Is this person for real or not? So it's better to just take it slow and easy in these situations.

Works for anyone who broken up with their ex, not just sister/brother/friend/etc.

This post has been edited by The Fujoshi: 24 October 2012 - 12:28 PM

[Ohki]

My point is that it's generally a bad idea to not go for something because of arbitrary rules that you place on yourself. Most reasonable human beings will be able to deal with it if the breakup wasn't one that left each other hating each other, or so long as there aren't still feelings for one another going on.

There's always the risk of being a rebound with anyone who's just been through a breakup, though. And uh. You DO know that there are girls out there who are likely to go for rebound opportunities, pretend to have stronger feelings for someone than they do, etc just for sex too, right? That's always a possibility with anyone.

There are obviously circumstances in which you prooobably shouldn't go for a friend's ex, I'm certainly not saying it's always okay. Just that there are times when it is okay, too.

[The Fujoshi]

Ohki, on 24 October 2012 - 05:26 PM, said:

My point is that it's generally a bad idea to not go for something because of arbitrary rules that you place on yourself. Most reasonable human beings will be able to deal with it if the breakup wasn't one that left each other hating each other, or so long as there aren't still feelings for one another going on.

There's always the risk of being a rebound with anyone who's just been through a breakup, though. And uh. You DO know that there are girls out there who are likely to go for rebound opportunities, pretend to have stronger feelings for someone than they do, etc just for sex too, right? That's always a possibility with anyone.

There are obviously circumstances in which you prooobably shouldn't go for a friend's ex, I'm certainly not saying it's always okay. Just that there are times when it is okay, too.

Lately humans have not really been reasonable. The divorce rate in the USA is really bad along with the birth rate in certain minorities. That shows that people are not mentally prepared to go beyond their own self desires. Don't get me started on child support issues either.

I'm saying that you can do it, because unless you never dated anyone everyone would always have an ex, but if you must do it then do it slowly and get to know said person and make sure that both if not all bases are covered. Don't just rush into it and give out nookie two-three weeks later. People can say whatever they want all the time when it comes to their own desires. I mean it's the person's decision; I'm not saying "well you're a moron for going with a person's ex!" Just that said person shouldn't come back crying or butthurt if the ex wasn't up to expectations or they find out that a year later they were just a rebound for the cooling off period.

And why yes I am butthurt; wasted years that I could have been going to school for and even defended/got into fights with my friends/ex's over drama. Should had ended it after a year but stuff happened.

Well yeah women do it do, I'm just saying that I see a lot more men lately doing that. Well.......around my area and in my family.

This post has been edited by The Fujoshi: 24 October 2012 - 08:26 PM

[Ohki]

The thing is, if a friend is going to be that ridic after there's been some time to cool off, feelings shouldn't be hurt anymore, etc, then they're kind of a lousy and selfish friend. It isn't your fault for pursuing a relationship with someone you really like, unless there are obvious signs that it would be bad, ex; your friend not being over that person, the relationship ending in a way that makes me question why you'd even want that person, etc. But it's a personal choice to make. In my case, if a friend can't respect me for following my heart, they're not a very good friend.

...Er. But that's true of any relationship? Also when you choose to sleep with someone is also a personal choice and it depends on how you view sex. Personally, I do not view sex as something reserved for someone I'm in love with. I see them as relevant but separate. Sex can be something wonderful to share with someone you love, but it can also be wonderful with someone you just find attractive. I'm the sort of person who will sleep with anyone that I'm attracted to, so long as it's with a consenting adult and doing so wouldn't involve me or the other person cheating on someone. Not everyone is the same about that, of course, and I'm fine with anyone viewing sex however they please so long as they are honest about their intentions and sleeping with consenting adults, but I don't enjoy it when people talk about sex in ways that alienate me for my own stance. Or label me a free love (in a bad way. I call myself a free love, but I take the word as a positive thanks).

[S1NN3R]

mendokuse, on 22 October 2012 - 08:16 PM, said:

Hey there! Haven't been on for a very long time, but that's a post for another thread.
Welcome Back!

"Is it alright to be friends with your brother's ex?"
*For those who must know, one of them started graduate school and the other got a job somewhere else in the state.

Ohki, on 23 October 2012 - 12:14 PM, said:

Depends on the situation, but in your case it seems like it should be fine. I've actually maintained friendships with my own exes, including one whose behavior as my girlfriend caused pretty serious damage to my self esteem. So in a situation with an amicable breakup like that, I can't see any problem in maintaining a friendship with the girl. Honestly, the only time it'd really be bad form to maintain a friendship with someone you're close to's ex is if s/he did something seriously bad in the relationship, such as stealing from her/his SO, abusing him/her, etc. Even if the grounds for breakup was cheating, I still think it'd be okay to keep a friendship even then if you wanted to.

Given the situation ^^This^^

I want to make a copy of a Medieval Times portrait of the four of us from this year, is that legal?
I know that you need the express permission from the photographer if it is a professional due to copyright. Would it be considered 'professional' even if it's the usual theme park style "Say Cheese!" and pick up the photo at the end of the show?

Oh boy, I loath copyright...

Yes, given that it was taken (presumably by staff) at Medieval Times, you would need a copyright release. This you could get from Medieval Times. Or you can reproduce it at a library, Public schools, or government building. These are part of the Copyright leniency clause do to their perceived uses. As long as you don't profit from said copies from stated places, you're fine. Sadly, if it is a Disney product or image, they hold exclusive rights and are exempt do to their copyright agreements

[The Fujoshi]

Ohki, on 25 October 2012 - 07:39 AM, said:

The thing is, if a friend is going to be that ridic after there's been some time to cool off, feelings shouldn't be hurt anymore, etc, then they're kind of a lousy and selfish friend. It isn't your fault for pursuing a relationship with someone you really like, unless there are obvious signs that it would be bad, ex; your friend not being over that person, the relationship ending in a way that makes me question why you'd even want that person, etc. But it's a personal choice to make. In my case, if a friend can't respect me for following my heart, they're not a very good friend.

...Er. But that's true of any relationship? Also when you choose to sleep with someone is also a personal choice and it depends on how you view sex. Personally, I do not view sex as something reserved for someone I'm in love with. I see them as relevant but separate. Sex can be something wonderful to share with someone you love, but it can also be wonderful with someone you just find attractive. I'm the sort of person who will sleep with anyone that I'm attracted to, so long as it's with a consenting adult and doing so wouldn't involve me or the other person cheating on someone. Not everyone is the same about that, of course, and I'm fine with anyone viewing sex however they please so long as they are honest about their intentions and sleeping with consenting adults, but I don't enjoy it when people talk about sex in ways that alienate me for my own stance. Or label me a free love (in a bad way. I call myself a free love, but I take the word as a positive thanks).

Well that's where our views are different. I view having sex with one person only as making love otherwise you're just sating an urge because you can get sex or do sex (self masturbation,) anywhere or any place and you do not have to be in a relationship to do so, (doesn't make it right but yeah you can do it any place.) Because of the fact that you are, in a queer way, ripping apart your body or stretching it for another person (if you are a woman,) and can get pregnant (if you are a woman,) and your 'lower area,' might not be the same due to the differences in sizes of men, so doing it with one person, in my view is making "love," since you are showing love and respect towards said person by risking and exposing your body (and in some cases trusting them to not give you diseases.)

But yeah I'm the type who rather settle down with one person then take chances and has experienced a lot of manipulation and exs. Well nothing but manipulation with exs and all of them running back to exs or not moving on from the ex in general.

Also it depends; a person can say whatever they want and years down the line they hook up with their ex or in the case of women I seen on Maury: "WHOOPS you got pregnant it's not mine even though you never cheated and I have a soon to be wife but can we still have sex?" Which shows that outside of you Ohki, not too many other people have enough sense to have free love and let go of the past with their exs. And mind you it happens a lot on Maury.

It doesn't happen with everyone but I guess both of our methods are decent if you combined them together. Your method and my method as well as the other people in this thread so I hope OP gets something out of that, since we have no idea if OP or the person in question or the people involved are like you or me, are open minded, are in the right mind, etc.

This post has been edited by The Fujoshi: 26 October 2012 - 07:15 AM

[Ohki]

....Uhm. I do kind of have an issue with some of your statements on sex up there. Do you not consider sex between two women to be sex? No chance of pregnancy or stretching (necessarily) occurs there.

Otherwise, though, yeah I agree. I think the main thing we really differ on here is our opinions on just how worthwhile it is to even bother to maintain a friendship with someone who would want to end it over something like this. (If I weren't already taken and) I ended up dating someone that was a friend's ex and, even though my friend claimed to be over that person and even though it was a generally amicable breakup, my friend got mad at me and ended our friendship over it, I wouldn't consider that person to have been worth hanging onto. That sort of behavior annoys me a lot.