First of all, I think more people, not just myself, could benefit from expressing heartbreak in the Acen community forums. The idea is not just any ol' breakup, but relationships that end at Acen or near its date. This could also mean friendships or other severed relationships, not just romantic ones.
Second, I'm really only doing this because...Acen's one of the best things that's happened to me and I...simply would like some support and advice because, as I'm about to explain, it's been...painful on a lot of levels. So thanks for reading c: I go to Acen every year and it's been my cubbyhole, where I can be at my maximum level of social chattiness and at ease. This doesn't go so well at any ol' social place...although my (sigh) ex didn't really agree.
Here's what I thought of myself before: real shy, not a lot of self-esteem (but a good level of self-respect), with not a lot of friends and those that I did have I hardly saw, very distrusting or weary of most people, very impatient, very irritated at how (sigh) I just wanted all the privileges other kids had. Envy at the kids with cars, phones, and most importantly, the ability to be out late. Or to be out at all. And it's hard to explain in a few phrases but I was heavily sheltered up until college. And even at 21 I was still struggling to be able to hang with my friends. I became to see myself as someone hopelessly socially crippled, inept at being "cool" and I also have this "give up easy" outlook on things.
I got into a relationship last year with a guy I met at acen. Chatty, loud, has to be the center of everyone's attention. Lives in a suburb, drives a minivan, lives with a family of: a mom, a great stepdad, 2 sibs and has 2 other stepsibs. Is confident, strong, persistent, seemingly un-flawed and unafraid of everything (except heights).
Does it sound like I'm a little envious?
Basically, (before I bore you to death), for the almost a year we were together I struggled with selfish behavior, irrational jealousy, and low self-esteem. I couldn't tell you why I had to sulk or pout as often as I did, simply because he had to take up the stage everywhere he went or why I could not appreciate being introduced to his friends, nor jump readily at the invitation of making them my own. Especially when I think they're perfectly nice people. But all of this bothered him and he got fed up with it. He got especially mad when he finally saw I could be what he had always wanted me to be around his friends, at acen. And so after my "sob story", he felt all of that was a lie. So I became a liar.
If you're wondering why it was possible to put up with that for almost a year it's because he was amazing like that. Making a lot of seemingly inconsequential sacrifices and bigger ones too. I'm still flattered that he got to feel so much for me. And I tried to be giving back and he would say I was a good gf but clearly....I got spoiled and forgot to try harder. harder. harder. We got along well, everything else about our relationship was perfect.
Sigh. How do I deal with being such a shtty person? Yeah, change is hard and it takes time and the things learned should be stronger than the pain. But I struggle trusting *myself* to really improve myself *for myself*. I miss him, can't stand that I hurt him again and again, and hate, hate how immature it was of me to oh, like some goddmn child, not get it together unless "the good thing" gets taken away and it's too late.
Anyway, thanks for your time.
This post has been edited by delial: 01 May 2012 - 07:47 PM