[Pashy-chan]

So I have a best friend that simply drains my energy. No matter what advice I give or help I offer, she continues to whine about life, drown in her sorrows, and repeat the same mistakes. It's been 6 years. To top it off, she's close friends with the one person who, throughout highschool, victimized and hurt me the most. And why? Because that person is best friends with the boy she's been crushing on. Today, she even admitted that if I did anything to jeopardize her non-existant chances with him, she would end our friendship. I know this seems like just a rant, but what it boils down to is this..

You ever have that friend you've known all or life, the one that claims to be a close friend, but only serves to stress and wear you down? The one that whines and groans yet never listens to any advice? Or repeatedly stabs you in the back then cries, begging for forgiveness?

I'm too nice of a person, and every time I try to end things, she starts the waterworks. ACen'ers.. How do you dump a best friend? And have you ever had to get rid of one as well?

This post has been edited by Pashy-chan: 16 February 2011 - 10:59 AM

[Prayer Police]

Just tell her, "Take a hike, Betty!!!" and unleash all your grievances.
If she cries, tell her she needs to change or else, and explain to her how much she sucks.

[Kasin]

Prayer Police, on 16 February 2011 - 11:06 AM, said:

Just tell her, "Take a hike, Betty!!!" and unleash all your grievances.
If she cries, tell her she needs to change or else, and explain to her how much she sucks.

like a band aid? right off!

[SongstressLenne]

Think of it this way. Would you rather keep going through unneeded drama and stress for an extended period of time or just listen to a little kicking and screaming and be able to move on?

Make a quick clean break, the longer you drag it on the worse it gets. Make one last attempt at communication and if it's too much tell her sorry but you can't handle this anymore and walk away. Remove all forms of contact [fb, phone #, and other social links].

Cutting people out of your life is hard, especially if you been around them for a long time. Peoples priorities and compatibility changes. Responding to people that you no longer want to be around gives the thought that it's all good.

Don't react back no matter how much they backlash. Just pick up and move on.

[GoodEnoughForMe]

This is really, really hard. I was in a situation where my best friend, one I talked to all the time, was starting to cause me stress and anxiety. Ever since he had gone to college, he was becoming extremely arrogant and cynical. Everyone but him was stupid. He'd call me up just to complain about people for an hour at a time, and talk about how he was superior. He was also becoming very dishonest and telling me all sorts of lies.

I had no good answers. I was helped by the fact that he was out of town for college, so I simply stopped answering the phone when he called, and stopped emailing him. I still don't know if it was the right move, but I do know I no longer feel anxiety about having to put up with his antics. Unfortunately, I probably hurt him in the process, but it's something I have to live with.

Theoretically, a best friend should be able to understand and listen to your grievances with them, but it doesn't always work that way. Maybe you need to sit down with her and with a third party. She might not be in the mood to listen to your complaints, but if you have another trusted person nearby who can corroborate your story, that might help. If not, it sounds like it is time to move on.

It's not an easy situation, but good luck.

This post has been edited by GoodEnoughForMe: 16 February 2011 - 11:16 AM

[Jguy]

Ugh, I've been in this situation with an ex-girlfriend. she was really nice when she wasn't overly "OH MAN I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE MY JOB, I HATE EVERYTHING but I love you sometimes!". after a while of trying to help and trying to be the best friend/boyfriend you can be....it starts to drag you down with them....and you get into the same rut. It was hard, but I threw her to the birds. It wasn't the nicest thing in the world, but no matter how special I made her feel, no matter how much I'd talk to her and no matter how much I loved her, she would still have the same outlook and cry and hate her life all the time. It really makes you depressed as well, so I had to get out of that relationship. After that, I vowed never to get into another relationship that would subject me to the same stuff.

[sammy-45]

I have had this problem too. And it is not easy. In fact some of my family is still friends with her when I haven't talked to her in over 2 years. And that was only to go to her second husband's funeral. Before that it was almost 2 years since I had heard from her.
But people do change with time. You have both probably changed who you are over the time you have known each other. And now it is time to let go.

Just a few things to ask yourself before you break it off. Do you have a lot of friends that you both know? Do you both hang out with the same people? Do you both have the same interests? Will you be running into her all over?

If you answer no to all of those questions then you can just cut her out of your life. But remember that life is a growing process and every experience changes us, so keep the good memories of your time together, and learn from the bad things.

If you answer yes to some of them, then it will be harder to break it off. And if you have the some of the same friends, you want to be polite to her so that your friends don't get caught in the middle of it all. Then you should do it in stages, like de-friend her on your social sites one every week. Don't text her back or answer her calls. And if she sees you and asks you why you did not just tell her you were busy at that time.

This might be harder in high school or college, then if you are done with them both. Because in a school setting you might see each other more. If you do just be polite but don't get personal.

[Valkyrie]

It's tough to break away from a best friend for any reason, especially when you've known each other since the Dark Ages. Honestly, I think it's even tougher when the friendship simply fades to black with no explanation. In a situation like yours, drifting away won't necessarily solve the problem. I'd tell her flat-out (firmly, but with some measure of sympathy) that you can no longer support her the way you once could. Unfortunately, the friendship is becoming toxic, and it's draining you. She won't like it, but stick to your guns - the best thing for both of you is to part ways. You can relieve yourself of the anxiety and drama, and she can hopefully turn to a professional who can help her with her issues.

[Aiko☆Noble]

This thread sounds very familiar. It helped reading all of these responses.
My best friend and I were, well, best friends, since third grade, and now we're
well out of high school. Around my junior/senior year, I realized that we were
starting to drift it totally opposite directions. We'd always been in sync,
a little rough around the edges, spontaneous, crazy girls that did everything
together and thought the exact same way. There was always one difference between
us, though, and that, as much as it sounds silly to say, was my geekiness.

She had zero interest in video games, anime, manga, what have you, and I was all
over it. We did a good job of tolerating each others' individual interests, but
over time, she started to go to parties with bros, getting drunk and getting tickets
and hanging out with everyone that she made eye contact with. We used to have each
other to rely on, and I liked that close bond that we had. She used to be very
introverted and shy, and while I loved seeing her break out of her shell and become
a social butterfly, it just seemed that she had to "make time" for me now, which
didn't really sit well with me.

It was me that made the break-off. I wish there was some other way, I didn't want
to hurt her feelings, but we just were not going in the same direction anymore. I
stopped answering her calls/texts, and generally our contact just sort of faded, until
one point she messaged me, and left me voicemails asking why we weren't seeing each
other anymore. I think she got it, and I still see her sometimes when she comes in
to get her hair done where I work. I really do love her still, and we're on semi-decent
terms, I just can't be as close to her as I once was, because we're too different now. ;3;

To keep to the thread, it's hard breaking off a close friendship. It sounds like your
friend is a lot more needy than mine, although I did have to console her after tons of
breakups with tons of guys. Perhaps your friend can take a hint when you stop seeing
her as often. Perhaps she'll find a new crowd to focus on, and won't keep bringing you down.

[KuroroCure]

Pashy-chan, on 16 February 2011 - 10:57 AM, said:

Today, she even admitted that if I did anything to jeopardize her non-existant chances with him, she would end our friendship.

Do just this.... this isn't a healthy friendship in the slightest.

She obviously is choosing this guy over you, and as unfortunate as that is, well, she just said she wanted to end your friendship if you did anything to affect her chances. :-/

Sorry about all of this happening, I know it's hard. Cheer up!! Meet new and better friends at ACen.

[FoolInCool]

simply cut your losses and enjoy your life.......sorry about your friend ....i know it's hard but sometimes you gotta cause some chaos b4 your truly happy

[SongstressLenne]

All I ask is do not be catty and do flirting with her love interest. A scorned woman is scary, very scary.

[LordCanti]

i would say just be blunt with person and just tell them how it is straight out. sometimes you just got to be heartless to get things done. :x

[Prayer Police]

throw a ninja star in her face as depicted in the following emoticons

[S1NN3R]

Pashy-chan, on 16 February 2011 - 10:57 AM, said:

How do you dump a best friend? And have you ever had to get rid of one as well?

I prefer to call this "Friend by Default". This happens when one person is too good of a person and the other has the "world hates me" attitude. I have been in this before as well, I ended up telling my friend to find out what they want out of life and strive for it, until then our friendship would be on hiatus. Recently, we got back in touch and we both are on better terms. I'm not saying it's a cure all, but it worked for me

[Prayer Police]

Great idea:
Go to Facebook and de-friend her and post that as your status.
When she comes to see you to ask why, just say "because we aren't friends anymore."
But if she didn't check her Facebook yet, tell her in person that you're not her friend anymore because you're not her friend on Facebook.
Facebook solves everything.

This post has been edited by Prayer Police: 16 February 2011 - 01:33 PM

[S1NN3R]

Ha! ^^Like^^

[FoolInCool]

that's flippin great! LOL good one PP

[FlyingElf]

Honestly, sit her down and talk to her. Tell her what your problems are. Tell her that its not fun being around someone who is always a downer and only has negative things to say. If she gets mad and never wants to talk to you again or leaves in a huff then I suppose the problem as solved itself. I mean its never a good thing to lose a best friend and I imagine you guys became friends like that for a reason. So I wouldn't be so quick to simply dump the friendship because you've hit a bump in the road, but you do need to talk to her and let her know. Maybe its something going on in her life that she needs support with.

Then again if there have been repeated stabbings in the back on her part, you have to decide if its worth saving as well. Do you trust her to change? You know her better than anyone here and unfortunately there is really no easy answer.

And if you have tried ending things and she starts crying, then you need to toughen up and do it. Shes controlling you because she knows crying will trigger a sympathy response in you. You're not doing her any favors by staying friends with her. If anything you're reinforcing her bad behavior by doing that.

[Rukariou]

I've done this before... twice. It's not the most fun thing ever. Basically I told them they need to find something that makes them happy because, like my momma always told me "you're only happy as you want to be" and if they don't want to do that then I just can't be friends with them. One of them came around and we were friends for awhile until I moved and faded into Internet obscurity, and the other still thinks I'm a dumb not very nice lady who doesn't know what she's talking about and thinks she has all the answers to life for me. It was the worst. So toxic.

And it's hard, but you have to delete their phone number, take them off your social networking site of choice. I didn't remove the second one off my Facebook right a way and she ended up telling my whole family that my new boyfriend was a psycho and wrong for me. So crazy, lol.

This post has been edited by Rukariou: 16 February 2011 - 02:23 PM

[sentinel28a]

I've been there at least twice.

The first time, my friend was dividing his friends into two camps: his "social" camp (friends who help him get laid) and his "gamer" camp (friends he hangs out with when he wants to play D&D). I was excluded from the former because, if prospective sex partners finds out he's a *gasp* ROLEPLAYING GAMER then they won't sleep with him--or so he believed. So it was get ignored until the friend decides it's time to game--no matter if that time is convienent or not. I got tired of it and found other friends. We drifted apart until the day he graduated from college. He had me over to his house for a party, and I told him basically "See ya" and left five minutes in.

Didn't hear from him for about three years, then bolt out of the blue, he contacts me. He had finally gotten married...to the one woman he had been honest with. Now we're friends again, we talk gaming (can't really game since he lives on the opposite side of the country), and his wife thinks it's awesome. He needed to basically grow up and quit seeing relationships as a scorecard with his brother and other friends. So that story has a happy ending.

The second time? Bastard was stealing things from me. I kicked him to the curb with no regrets. Don't know where he is; don't care. I regret it because he was a kewl guy, but the problem was his, not mine. And that's how this situation seems to me.

Ben Da Mad Irishman
"Unlike Inuyasha, you can't change the world"

[Pashy-chan]

Gwaaaaaah!!! Thank you all so very much!!! ; ~ ; I love you guys times 20!!

I've taken each and every single word in consideration, and will do what I have to do.. tonight, while I still have the guts to do it!!! Luckily, we go to seperate colleges.. so I won't run into her as much if things to end.. Though we've shared the same group of friends throughout highschool.. so it may make for an akward situation this year at ACen, but I'll stay polite (and never catty >w<). You're all right.. this relationship is pretty toxic, and it seems many of you have had experience in dealing with this, so I thank you again!!

I think.. Dropping her completely will be my last (but inevitable) choice. I feel like I've known her forever, so it's true, it is hard.. but she has changed, and in all honesty, sometimes I feel I've out grown her... (Which is weird coming from childish me.. xD) Aigoo... She's stubborn, always has been, but tonight, I will tell her staight, and stronger than ever before!! > x < I can no longer handle how she consistantly brings me down with her. I've reached the point where I can no longer sympathize.. and if I keep pitying her, things'll just get worse.. My trust in her is only a shred of what it use to be.. and if she's not willing to grow up, we'll just have to move on. I'll just have to move on. I will move on!! I'll stick to my words no matter what, you guys!!

Oh. And then I'll hit "defriend!!" ^__^
...Did I mention I seriously love you guys? Like, seriously. Times 20. ;w;

This post has been edited by Pashy-chan: 16 February 2011 - 05:23 PM

[Lina]

Good luck! -^___^-b

It's not fun, but I know you can do it! If she realizes that she is hurting you and your friendship, maybe she will start changing and grow up, but because she said that she would end the friendship if you ruin her chance with this guy, it doesn't sound like it. If she is willing to throw away your friendship over some guy, then she is not worth defending and having as a friend anymore.

We are here for you! :3

[Keiichi-chan]

tell them how you feel and that your friendship is over, because you can't take their abuse any more.
if they apologize, then try to give them one more chance, if they don't, move on and avoid them completely.

[Pashy-chan]

Aigooo... = x = Here's an update...

So she basically argued against everything I accused her of.. Everything: Her immaturity, her need to be pitied, and even the part about the guy.. but get this.. It wasn't that she denied what she said, but rather, defended her reasoning for it! I got so miffed by her ramblings that I just had to drop the conversation before I lost it.. Aiyaaaah... I think I'll take a chill pill for now... I'll tell her it's completely over later tonight.. =x= Such a bi...mbo... *Sigh*

Bleh!! Thank all of you guys again!! I seriously needed the support!! *De-friended!! >=O ...xD*

[Aiko☆Noble]

I think you did the best thing by telling her straight out. The fact that she defended
her actions really makes her seem selfish. She should have apologized, since you were
explaining how these actions hurt your friendship. Even though you're mad, don't blow
up at her. Calmly explain that you think its best if you didn't talk as often for now,
and that she should focus on her own problems. If she tries to keep contacting you,
ignore her. That sounded cold, but she'll get the message then.

Congrats for getting that off of your chest!

[Lina]

Good for you! She is acting very selfishly and is not considering the damage it has done to your friendship. She is being a brat and obviously doesn't care about your friendship at all if she is defending her childish actions. To let things like the need for pity and a GUY get in the way of a friendship that was once wonderful is really hurtful. I am so proud of you for standing your ground and telling her that you are hurt by her actions. Good luck with telling her you no longer wish to be her friend!

[sentinel28a]

If she's truly your friend, she'll figure it out. If not, you're better off without her. That's pragmatic, rough, and probably cynical, but it's also the truth.

But if I'm reading the situation right, you're both still young. With age comes wisdom.

Ben Da Mad Irishman
"Not always maturity"

[Pashy-chan]

Meeep!! Thank you once more!!! I will admit..we both have some growing to do... But I rather not have anyone in my life to hinder that.. ^^ I did it!!! Although I do feel a bit bad, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! Thank you all!! ;w;

[Keiichi-chan]

you should keep in mind learning to get along with people, apologize, make compromises, etc. is what maturity is really all about. if you're not doing any of that, you're just getting older, but not actually 'growing up'.

i really think, for now, you should just take time apart, and cool off. if you still want to be friends with one another after you've had time apart, you should try and make up at that time. a real friend will be willing to give a friendship a second try, without making the same mistakes, and maybe have a bit more appreciation for you by then. my best friend and i got into a huge fight a year or so ago, and didn't talk for almost 9 months, but eventually i matured to the point that i made the first move and spoke to her, she admitted she was wrong and apologized and we both decided we were being kind of stubborn and stupid; now our friendship is MUCH stronger as a result.

it was really, really dumb to wait 9 months to do that, but sometimes things build up and no one sees themselves as wrong or overreacting, and you just need to step away from things and get some perspective. even if your friend is being a jerk, de-friending her forever might be a bit too extreme of a reaction when you really think about it; it might be the right choice, but it's tough to tell when you're really emotional and fed up.

This post has been edited by Keiichi-chan: 17 February 2011 - 12:11 AM